Junk Drawer: July, 2006

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July 30

What if?

What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?

July 26

I am a girl who smells the roses....

I am a girl who smells the roses.

He said he "fell out of love with me."

"He couldn't tame you," the next one says.

Three times engaged and never married,

what does that say?

I live in the present.

I run my fingers through grasses

as they extend past their fences.

I touch their freedom.

Mourn their captivity.

Marvel in their beauty.

I am a race horse,

high-spirited and wild.

I live for the wind in my mane.

Let me run.

I pick flowers that don't belong to me,

wave at young girls as they play,

laugh at the silliness of boys.

I embrace each day,

feel the sun on my face,

and stop and smell the roses.

July 25

Everything Has a Gender

You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and, of course, there's the whole hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable, and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it would me male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

July 16

Ahhh...the importance of proofreading

Never underestimate the power of proper grammar and spell-checker. Here are some classics (from un-proofed Church Bulletins!)

Church Bulletins

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for good church
folks with computers. These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ
the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring
your husbands.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-- --------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there w ill be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their
school days.
------------------------- --------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music
will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
- ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person
you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours"

July 14

Italia!

I know I'm about a week late saying this, but Congrats to the Italia World Cup Soccer team!!!

I love this photo of revelers in the Fontana di Trevi in Roma!!!!

Click here to check it out.

7:35 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it

July 01

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth.."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."